I haven't written for awhile. I thought maybe I should give up on this. I have been encouraged to continue. So let me update, Angel's mom is dying, she has cancer and they aren't giving her more than a year. Considering that not only am I close with him, but I am close with his mom and his son, this has been really hard. It's really hard to see him go through this too. I feel so helpless, I just keep telling him that I love him and I'm here for him whenever he needs me. I had to step away from Lewisberg, we are still friends but I need more than empty words that have no follow through. I actually had to change my phone number to get rid of Blaine, it was scary.
I have been dating and been working. Work is good, dating sucks as always.
So let's catch up...
I dated a man we will call him MP. We hit it off instantly. Spending so much time together, huge connection. He met the boys, the boys liked him. He introduced me to his friends from work. He would spend the night at my house and wrap his arms around me while my head was on his chest and hold me tight all night long. Kiss me on the forehead throughout the night. It felt so nice. Second week into it we woke up in the morning and it was about 10am and he had to leave to take care of some stuff. As he was leaving my son said 'hey you leaving already?' He said 'yeah, but I'll be back tonight, I'm cooking dinner for you and mom. So do the dishes, okay?' My son said, ' alright, see ya later!' My kids liked him. We talked around 2pm when he got done going for a run and he said he would call me in a bit. 7pm hits... I haven't heard from him. I text him, nothing. 7:30... I text him again. He texts me back and says 'I'll call you in a minute.' An hour later I haven't heard anything. I text him again, I said, 'Listen, my kids are hungry, if something is going on that's fine but you should really let me know. I'm feeding them now. Talk to you later.' I get a message from him, 'I'm at the studio babe, I'm sorry, I'll call you in a minute.' He never called. Never.
Now I didn't just have sex with this man one time. So I know it wasn't about that. And I was hurt, really hurt. A few weeks later I text him again and I calmly asked him what the fuck was that? and he told me it was all him, he got totally scared and freaked. I said goodbye.
I am having streaks also of past boyfriends and lovers walking back into my life. I know that everyone says that an ex is an ex for a reason. I believe that to a certain extent. When you break up because of hurtful things like cheating, lack of trust, things like that, yes, then an ex is an an ex and it should stay that way. But sometimes you date someone and it just isn't right for the both of you at that time... some you just stop dating. There isn't any hard feelings, so why can't you try it again. We also have to remember that sometimes time can heal and people can change and grow. It just depends on the person. Some people never change, you have to be able to see the difference.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Where do I even begin....
So a few days after the last time I wrote I heard from Blaine again and his world had collapsed. His car broke down, he lost his job, etc. I was talking to him on the phone and I could hear in his voice how incredibly depressed and sad he was. Me, being the person I am didn't want him sitting alone by himself. So I told him I would come get him and he could come hang here and get his mind off of it. .....Hindsight... bad idea.I brought him home the next day. No biggie. Told him he needed to work on getting his stuff together, etc. Fast forward, to Monday night and I am tearing up my kitchen tile. He calls me asks what I am doing. I tell him, he says I shouldn't be doing it considering I have shingles and I'm so sick. Insists that I should come get him and he will help me do it all, that its no big deal, he doesn't mind helping me at all.
(Now friends... I need the help. I've been very sick. VERY VERY SICK! So I say yes.) So he comes over. I feed him, provide him with cigarettes, and pop, and he helps me work. This is a good thing, very good thing.
Next thing I know, as of last night this man is now telling me that he wants to move in with me. (OH btw, he has a 3 year and a 11 year old daughter.... and for those of you who don't know. I love kids.... But little kids are a bit too much for me for long time periods, because I don't have the energy anymore.) Because he can't make his March rent and he is going to be evicted. In fact, he wants to bring his daughter to my house Thursday (today) until Monday. And when he gets a job... it won't be a problem for me to watch her while he's at work, right?? (HUH?!?! WHAT?!?!?) And he is going to use my car to look for a job and get to the job until he gets his own. (Wait a minute? Don't I need my car??) Oh and then he tells me he loves me, not once but over and over and over again. And then tells me he wants to marry me. (there is so much more I can't write all of this - my fingers would get tired... all of you would get bored.. lol)11 days. ELEVEN DAYS!!!! I know I am lovable, I have heard of love at first sight. Sometimes it happens... But you better make damn well sure that the other person is returning your feelings before you go off the deep end. He asks me if I love him. I tell him no, because I don't lie to people. He said 'do you think you might be falling in love with me?' I said 'no.' Then the waterworks came... I felt like I was dealing with a teenage girl and I wanted to kick him out of my house, but its the middle of the night and its winter and he has no car. So I had to wait until morning.
So this morning I had to drive him home, and for some reason he thought everything was all better. I wasn't going to sit and go through it all again. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I don't need the stress in my life. Stress = seizures in my world. So I brought him to his house, and then I told him I was going to grab my cigarettes in the Jeep and I left. 178 text messages and 42 missed phone calls
He has threatened to kill himself, along with many other things. I went on one date, and then I was just trying to be a nice person because this guy who was really funny and I had a decent time with was having a really bad time and I knew he needed a friend. After telling him over and over again through text 'enough', 'stop messaging me', ' I'm going to call the cops this is harassment'. I finally had to call the cops. The cops then called him and said that if he contacted me anymore that it would be a misdemeanor because I would be able to press harassment charges on him and get a restraining order.
Well I have still heard from him a few more times. I got an apology text, and then some BS text from him telling me that he missed me. As long as it doesn't get ridiculous I can ignore it, I don't want to deal with cops and I know he will give up and go away. BUT OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
a typical day
So I'm just chilling out with Brown Eyes at my house and my phone rings. It's Blaine, I don't want to answer, I am in the middle of a conversation, so I just silence the ringer. Fifteen minutes later, phone rings, it's him again, I silence it again. Fifteen minutes later, this happens yet again. Now I am getting annoyed. No voice mail. No text message. So what's the deal? Then I finally get this text, "You have me worried.. is everything okay? I mean is it me or are u no longer into me please say. I mean otherwise are you ok?" (Okay, great this guy is really freaking out and likes me way more than I like him, woohoo!) I wait a few minutes and I write back, "Yes, I'm okay. Phone was charging. Hanging out with my friend Brown Eyes." (it was charging) He writes back, "ok, happy you are good."
Then an hour and a half later I get a text from him that says, "Your girlfriend... :(" I wrote, "My girlfriend?" He says"idk, maybe, u are pretty and I kinda miss being with u" I said, "So that equals her being my girlfriend?" ...I don't like jealousy, I don't like drama. huge turnoffs. He is sealing his own fate.
Angel has been texting me every night. Still being very sweet. He told me that the other night when he was listening to Les Mis that it made him think of me. The next night I told him that the song Evanescense- Good Enough made me think of him. He wrote back to me and told me that, "You're sweet. But you should learn to say no to me. It's not an issue of you being good enough for me, you are much better than me. I'm not a good person... you know that." I said, " 1. I think of that song because you used to play it for me. 2. I have no problem saying no to you. 3. You are a good person honey, please don't say that."
Then an hour and a half later I get a text from him that says, "Your girlfriend... :(" I wrote, "My girlfriend?" He says"idk, maybe, u are pretty and I kinda miss being with u" I said, "So that equals her being my girlfriend?" ...I don't like jealousy, I don't like drama. huge turnoffs. He is sealing his own fate.
Angel has been texting me every night. Still being very sweet. He told me that the other night when he was listening to Les Mis that it made him think of me. The next night I told him that the song Evanescense- Good Enough made me think of him. He wrote back to me and told me that, "You're sweet. But you should learn to say no to me. It's not an issue of you being good enough for me, you are much better than me. I'm not a good person... you know that." I said, " 1. I think of that song because you used to play it for me. 2. I have no problem saying no to you. 3. You are a good person honey, please don't say that."
Monday, February 18, 2013
Blaine
Days like today are difficult. I went on a first date. Blaine is so funny, he can make me laugh so hard my stomach hurts, and he is very handsome. All around good guy. Yes there are little things that don't fit 'my ideal' but they aren't complete deal breakers. So first date time after spending hours upon hours on the phone. And let me tell you, I hate talking on the phone. Hate it. It hurts my head, it makes me hoarse, the universe created text messaging, emailing, and IM-ing for a reason. Haha. But I actually really like talking to Blaine. So there is a big plus, right?!?
He invites me to his place, he is going to cook me dinner. Which I think is perfectly acceptable and quite sweet. I don't need to be taken out. Once in awhile is fine, but I like staying at home. Inevitably that kiss comes... and there isn't any chemistry. Damnit..... It's just his nerves. It's just his nerves.
We go back to talking and hanging out. He actually says, 'you make me really nervous.' I tell him, 'no need to be nervous at all.' We kiss more later still no chemistry. DAMNIT!
C'mon now, this guy is really sweet and nice. WHY?! Why can't we have chemistry?!
He invites me to his place, he is going to cook me dinner. Which I think is perfectly acceptable and quite sweet. I don't need to be taken out. Once in awhile is fine, but I like staying at home. Inevitably that kiss comes... and there isn't any chemistry. Damnit..... It's just his nerves. It's just his nerves.
We go back to talking and hanging out. He actually says, 'you make me really nervous.' I tell him, 'no need to be nervous at all.' We kiss more later still no chemistry. DAMNIT!
C'mon now, this guy is really sweet and nice. WHY?! Why can't we have chemistry?!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Lewisburg
Lewisburg is special. He was a chance meeting but I was very drawn to him. I felt like we had a connection. Kindred spirits is what I like to call it. Perhaps we knew each other in a past life. He lives across the country, and we have been close friends for a quite awhile. We talk about everything and always have from day one. Like I said there is this odd connection. He told me at one point that he felt like he was 'in love' with me. I told him that as much as I loved hearing that, but with him being in another state, it did me no good.
So we continued our friendship. He had some rough patches and we got much closer.
I very much adore him and think that he is a wonderful man. Nevertheless, he is a man who does not live anywhere near me. Supposedly he is wants to move and be here with me at some point. My theory is, show me, don't tell me.
So we continued our friendship. He had some rough patches and we got much closer.
I very much adore him and think that he is a wonderful man. Nevertheless, he is a man who does not live anywhere near me. Supposedly he is wants to move and be here with me at some point. My theory is, show me, don't tell me.
Angel
Yes, we will call him Angel. He has been my angel in so many ways. Saved me for a few bad situations. Cheered me up, kept me from being lonely, was my best friend for so very long, and my lover. I met Angel a few years ago off of a dating site as well. We went on a date not too long after we started talking and we had a blast together. After that we were kind of inseparable. I spent an enormous amount of time hanging out on his patio with him or curled up on his couch. A lot of times we would be listening to music in the living room singing and dancing together. We were never exclusive, and with time I realized he was dating other women. It hurt, and I spent a little bit of time away from him. I then realized I didn't want to loose what we did have. We talked about it, everything was fine. (although my heart still hurt a bit, c'mon I'm a girl, and I have feelings.)
Angel started drinking heavily, and some heavy stresses started happening in my life. He said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I told him until he was ready to apologize we weren't talking. He is a very stubborn, pigheaded man, who is ALWAYS right. I mean ALWAYS. So, he let me walk away. We didn't speak for 10 months... I missed him horribly. The friendship was a really big deal, he was my confidant. I knew that I could always go to him with anything. Even if he wouldn't agree with me.
So we have gotten to be friends again. My little family and his little family even spent Christmas Eve together. Very casually, of course.
(This should be said...I am very open with the people in my life. If I love you I tell you. I am an honest person. If you don't say it back I don't care, that doesn't hurt me. At least you know that I love you. I don't smother people with it. But I tell my friends that I love them occasionally. Just the way it is. So occasionally I have told Angel that I love him. Eh, whatever.)
So we are talking through text this week and Angel says 'I love you so much I just can't stand it."
Now I just played it off, because I did't want to deal with it. But he told me he loved me two other times this week and told me he missed me almost every single night. He has also asked me 'why he can't get me out of his head?'
I don't get it. Angel has changed his tune? Time will tell.
Angel started drinking heavily, and some heavy stresses started happening in my life. He said the wrong thing at the wrong time and I told him until he was ready to apologize we weren't talking. He is a very stubborn, pigheaded man, who is ALWAYS right. I mean ALWAYS. So, he let me walk away. We didn't speak for 10 months... I missed him horribly. The friendship was a really big deal, he was my confidant. I knew that I could always go to him with anything. Even if he wouldn't agree with me.
So we have gotten to be friends again. My little family and his little family even spent Christmas Eve together. Very casually, of course.
(This should be said...I am very open with the people in my life. If I love you I tell you. I am an honest person. If you don't say it back I don't care, that doesn't hurt me. At least you know that I love you. I don't smother people with it. But I tell my friends that I love them occasionally. Just the way it is. So occasionally I have told Angel that I love him. Eh, whatever.)
So we are talking through text this week and Angel says 'I love you so much I just can't stand it."
Now I just played it off, because I did't want to deal with it. But he told me he loved me two other times this week and told me he missed me almost every single night. He has also asked me 'why he can't get me out of his head?'
I don't get it. Angel has changed his tune? Time will tell.
Scrotum Lord
Scrotum Lord, nope I didn't give him that nickname. Someone else did, but we are going to go with it. Who am I to argue with the obvious truth. So I met this one through mutual friends. We have the same birthday, we have A LOT of mutual friends. We went to high school in the same general area, around the same time. So one day I received a message from him on Facebook. It was innocent enough at first. Then he started flirting with me. Not long after I found out that he had an 'on again/off again relationship with a woman, but from what everyone said he was very, very hung up on her. I don't mess around with things like that it just seems like a recipe for disaster.
About a month passed and I heard from him again. We messaged back and forth and he really wanted to get together. I asked him about this woman. He said that it was an 'open relationship' and that they had no commitment to each other what so ever. Now I was a part of a group that they were both in, and it was pretty apparent at this point that he was telling the truth.
Now let's go forward with the understanding that Scrotum Lord and I were getting together on a purely sexual encounter and nothing more. I really wanted nothing more from him. (C'mon everyone needs some once in awhile, right?) I'm an adult, having a purely sexual friendship while you are single can be very beneficial. Keeps you from wanting to rip everyone's head off, and it saves on batteries. LOL.
So we got together...... and I'm so glad he had a good time. Did I mention that I'm so glad he had a good time? Listen I don't lie to men, but I am always nice because there is no sense in killing their ego. No one needs that.
Then I became friends with his woman. We will call her Brown-eyes, because she has the most lovely light brown eyes. We made plans to get together and then she had something happen and she had to go away for awhile. When she came back Scrotum Lord decided to tell her that he didn't want to see her anymore. Well I told her to come spend time with me. Her heart was broken and I can't stand to see anyone hurt.
Long story - short, he had lied to her. It was horrible.
A few days later Scrotum Lord is on Facebook asking for boxes because he is moving. I tell him that I have boxes and I might be able to bring him some later next week. Maybe. (I'm just trying to be nice, he doesn't own a car) He says, "I'll look forward to it." I said, "you are going to look forward to me bringing you empty boxes? weirdo" he says, "and you.." I said, "why me? I'm just a pain in the ass bitch." He said, "yeah but your pussy tastes good and you liked my cock." I said, "what does that have to do with moving boxes." He said, " not a damn thing." I said, "oh okay. that's what I thought." Then he says, "and I would like to hook up again." I said, "we'll see. I'm dating someone."
Now that is not a lie. I am dating someone. Is it serious? No. Does Scrotum Lord need to know that? No.
Please note earlier in the conversation I also bitched him out for hurting Brown-eyes. He knew I wasn't happy and he still went on with what he said. Not a smart man.
About a month passed and I heard from him again. We messaged back and forth and he really wanted to get together. I asked him about this woman. He said that it was an 'open relationship' and that they had no commitment to each other what so ever. Now I was a part of a group that they were both in, and it was pretty apparent at this point that he was telling the truth.
Now let's go forward with the understanding that Scrotum Lord and I were getting together on a purely sexual encounter and nothing more. I really wanted nothing more from him. (C'mon everyone needs some once in awhile, right?) I'm an adult, having a purely sexual friendship while you are single can be very beneficial. Keeps you from wanting to rip everyone's head off, and it saves on batteries. LOL.
So we got together...... and I'm so glad he had a good time. Did I mention that I'm so glad he had a good time? Listen I don't lie to men, but I am always nice because there is no sense in killing their ego. No one needs that.
Then I became friends with his woman. We will call her Brown-eyes, because she has the most lovely light brown eyes. We made plans to get together and then she had something happen and she had to go away for awhile. When she came back Scrotum Lord decided to tell her that he didn't want to see her anymore. Well I told her to come spend time with me. Her heart was broken and I can't stand to see anyone hurt.
Long story - short, he had lied to her. It was horrible.
A few days later Scrotum Lord is on Facebook asking for boxes because he is moving. I tell him that I have boxes and I might be able to bring him some later next week. Maybe. (I'm just trying to be nice, he doesn't own a car) He says, "I'll look forward to it." I said, "you are going to look forward to me bringing you empty boxes? weirdo" he says, "and you.." I said, "why me? I'm just a pain in the ass bitch." He said, "yeah but your pussy tastes good and you liked my cock." I said, "what does that have to do with moving boxes." He said, " not a damn thing." I said, "oh okay. that's what I thought." Then he says, "and I would like to hook up again." I said, "we'll see. I'm dating someone."
Now that is not a lie. I am dating someone. Is it serious? No. Does Scrotum Lord need to know that? No.
Please note earlier in the conversation I also bitched him out for hurting Brown-eyes. He knew I wasn't happy and he still went on with what he said. Not a smart man.
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